there is no helping the outcome no rewriting history I awake awash in the reality I cannot believe how heavy it lands on me so shockingly personally as if it was this unforeseeable thing I feel it in my body, physically this body you made, want, love the sinews and carnality I’m going to need you to explain you chose this instead of me? and now it’s time to wake everyone up for school what will I say to my children today? that thought alone, it robs me of speech good morning, I love you, what do you want for breakfast today a Wednesday demands so much normalcy they ask about it immediately having fallen asleep in front of the ambulance glow of the TV a resounding noooooo groans from the bedroom draped in pink I tread lightly today find comfort in healing things if this place won’t care for this body I guess it’s up to me walk the dog, listening to what I missed in the equation of peace time for school pick up / soccer / tennis / the evening routine time to make dinner / do homework / watch Despicable Me time to read a book with the one who's learning to read I love you, goodnight I wish I could say we’re doing everything or anything honestly I wish I could say that you’re uncapped my dear but we’ve chosen this palace of chaos and fear ****************************** the thing is these things I am trying to teach them through gritted teeth in a million car rides and quarrels adjudicated kindness, equality the weight of your words sincere apologies for god’s sake, accountability have exited the building apparently and now I can’t seem to find my brave face you see I wanted to believe we’re better than this I don’t know how to tell them this is exactly who we are these days ****************************** what I can muster now is this to find the will to reach for curiosity hunt that nuanced, elusive middle space remember the textured layers of human decision-making move from bereft to another stage of grief refuse to wallow in the disappointment of priorities pry the door open, even a little even if it takes everything don’t chew on it until it’s lost its taste don’t give over that personal space we are not each other’s enemy
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Beautiful as always, Danielle